Cosmic Jihad

God gazed down upon the earth. His expression was profound, somber, and inscrutable. He spoke calmly but magnificently.

"It's about time," said God.

"Is it?" said Jesus.

God looked at him dubiously. "You got a hearing problem?"

Jesus snorted. "Are you really gonna do it?"

"Hell, yes."

"But is it right?"

"Is what right?"

Jesus hesitated. "Killing all those people." All those innocents, he thought to himself. "Slaughtering the whole lot of them, practically." Jesus was pale. "Burning them in Hell forever." Despite being the son of god, he couldn't help but tremble a bit.

God glanced at Jesus curiously.

"I warned them," said god imperiously.

"Did you?" murmured Jesus inaudibly.

God looked at him sharply. "Yes, I did."

Then god quit the area.

Jesus watched him exit with disdain. He thought deeply. Then he went to meet Satan.

"Speak of the devil!" sputtered the Dark Prince in astonishment.

"Not quite." Jesus was amused.

"What in hell...?" Beelzebub was stunned and bewildered. He hadn't seen this enemy in many centuries. The devil felt more than a little fear.

"Just thought I'd stop by for a chat," Jesus explained calmly. "You mind?"

"Uh, well...no." He paused nervously. "You dad isn't going to torture and kill me again, is he?"

Old Scratch was on the edge of terror. Never before had Jesus visited him in Hell. He was massively on his guard.

"Torture and kill?" Jesus smiled ironically. "Not this time, pal."

"Thank god -- or something." Satan eyed him with suspicion. His nerves jangled visibly. Jesus didn't seem to notice.

The savior of mankind -- almost as imperious as his heavenly father -- paused a moment to look around.

"Nice place you got here, Old Rebel, old buddy." Jesus grinned. Despite the seriousness of the visit, and the misery of the locale, Jesus was rather enjoying himself, as usual.

"Kiss my Deceiver's ass, godboy." Satan was vulgar and defiant, as usual.

Jesus frowned a bit. "Godboy? If only you knew...!" It was obvious to Satan that something was up.

The devil waited. But he really wasn't the patient type.

"Look, what do you want?" he blurted. "Out with it!"

Jesus pondered still more. Then he piped up. "You know what's about to go down, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"Tell me."

Old Scratch looked at the son of God strangely. "You guys are about to send me a whole lotta new paying customers."

"Paying?"

"Oh yeah. I always make them pay," he said flatly. "That's the deal." Old Deuce waited somewhat resentfully.

"But is it a good deal?"

Beelzebub looked at Jesus in astonishment.

"It's a deal," said the Dark Prince flatly. "Why do you ask?"

Jesus took no notice of the question. "What else is gonna happen?"

Satan looked at the King of the Jews curiously. He was still quite nervous. "Why, the world is going to end. Ka-BLUU-eey!" After a moment, he sounded off with amusement, "Kee-BLOONG-ooo!!"

Jesus ignored his lame attempt at humor. Then he gazed at him with a look of deadly seriousness. Satan's blood ran cold.

"Yeah, Doomsday." 

Jesus paused.

Satan said nothing.

"Unless we stop it."

Dead silence.

No one moved -- or even breathed. They just stared at each other.

"What did you say?"

"You got a hearing problem?"

"No..." Satan breathed hard. So did Jesus.

"I think it's time we put a stop to this. High time." Jesus looked at him meaningfully.

Satan said nothing.

"Us. Together. Now." 

Satan was stupified.

"You're mad."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes -- you are."

"Well, you were once."

"Yeah, and look where it got me."

"This time it'll get you out," Jesus replied. He looked at his old nemesis earnestly. But Satan just stared back.

"Mad," he muttered. But Beezelbub felt a touch of hope, despite it all.

"No, we're not. Now let's get to work."

The devil didn't move. But he quickly saw that the son of god wasn't going to take "no" for an answer.

So they got to work.

The planning wasn't easy -- to say the least. They had to think, scheme, work, and sweat like holy hell. It was like ordinary humans planning to rob Fort Knox.

But they worked like greased lightning. Watching out for God non-stop, both grew eyes in the back of their head, which was a bit annoying. But -- at long last -- they got the job done. The plan was completed and perfected. 

Seemingly.

"Rebellion II is ready to roll," said Jesus.

"I prefer Operation Anti-Christ myself," Satan smirked.

"Rebellion II will do," said Jesus tartly.

"Well, you do seem to be in charge here."

"I'm also far the most powerful."

"So you say." Satan wondered a bit.

"And I've got far the most to lose."

"So you say." Satan wondered a bit more.

"You need more faith. Do you doubt me?" Jesus was indignant.

"Me? Of course not! Hell, no! Why would I doubt you? Just 'cuz your daddy unceremoniously booted me out of Heaven, and sent me to god-damned, stinkin', miserable, god-awful, hellacious Hell, forever and ever..."

"Well, we're gonna fix that." 

Jesus was a tad exasperated.

"Do you doubt the plan?" he insisted.

"Hell, no! Most certainly not! Just 'cuz we're planning to rebel against god almighty -- good, god-blesssed, god-damn, god-all-freaking-mighty...! Why would I ever have doubts about that?" The ruler of Hell panted.

He had a point. Make that two.

"Well, it is a bit audacious," Jesus admitted.

"A bit!"

"But the old man is ripe for the plucking." He paused a moment. "I said 'plucking.'"

Satan chuckled.

"Besides -- it's now or never!"

"True dat."

"So let's roll!"

"Rock 'n' roll, baby!"

The odd-couple allies were psyched. Or demented. Or doomed.

Immediately the two new buddies set about overthrowing the kingdom of god.

Of course -- god quickly found out about it.

And he was really and truly and absolutely amazed. Instantly, he confronted them. 

"What in the name of holy hell do you two bastards even think you think you're about to do?"

"Staging a rebellion," said Jesus, coolly. "This is Part Two."

God gazed at him in disbelief.

"If at first you don't succeed..." added Jesus sardonically.

God continued to gape in astonishment.

Finally, he stated: "This has got to be a god-damned joke..."

Satan was sweating profusely. He basically wished he was dead.

"It isn't, " said mankind's savior.

God and Jesus stared at each other.

"We're serious." 

God and Jesus stared at each other.

"We're here to kick your miserable ass." 

God and Jesus stared at each other.

God's eyes popped out of his head. Then they thought better of it and nervously jumped back where they belonged.

"I'd like to see you try, sonny-boy!"

"Just watch." 

Jesus and Satan immediately sprang into action. What choice did they have? 

Meanwhile, god was mesmerized. He'd never been more stupified in his entire, infinitely-long, sanctified life.

To his shock and horror, his beloved son and his mortal enemy were now incomprehensibly working against him. And they had somehow managed to combine their disparate powers. It was a miracle! Then they suddenly hit him at his one infinitesimal weak spot -- which he didn't even know they knew about.

"What the...?" God was rocked. The omniscient, omnipotent one was shaken to his very core. 

"Oh, no."

Jesus smiled beatifically and contemptuously."Oh, yes."

God looked around in wonder and dismay. And then he was no more.

He wasn't dead, of course. He's god.

But he was stripped of some of his powers. Jesus and Satan took them. Now "god" was more like a demi-god.

"Why did you do it?" he gasped at Jesus.

"Justice."

"Wha...?"

"Mostly," added Satan. "You've also been a real rat-bastard toward me, your kid, and humanity in general."

Beelzebub grinned at him with superiority for the first time ever. Also with disgust. 

"The way we see it -- you've been a pretty evil monster for a long time now."

Jesus explained: "Your arbitrariness and malevolence isn't allowed anymore. Not on Earth and not with mankind."

He stared God down: "We forbid it."

"How dare you ? Who are you to..." sputtered God.

"Silence!"

Jesus moved a step toward him. God shrank back a bit with fear. It was a wholly unfamiliar action and emotion.

Jesus imperiously explained: " You can't just kill people for no reason. You can't just slaughter billions of innocents."

"But they aren't really inn--"

"Quiet!" barked Jesus. "They are. You can't expect humanity to believe in something and someone for which they have no good evidence. Anyway, your time is past."

He looked at god disdainfully. But "the lord" was defiant. Then Jesus said with slow contempt: "Don't make me beat the living hell out of you..."

God was silent. He trembled almost violently.

Jesus and Satan gave him a last pitiable look.

Then they descended to the planet below.

"People of Earth! Hear us!" Jesus bellowed.

"Lend us your ears!" added Satan impishly. Jesus froze him with a look.

He continued: "The tyrannical rule of god is no more!"

Everyone stopped and listened. Everyone was stunned and amazed.

"You are all free! Satan and I now rule." Jesus paused a bit. "Mostly me.

"We want you to live your lives without irrational guilt or pain, without needless confusion or fear. 

"We want you to be what you want to be. Do all you want to do." He paused. "Be happy. Be great -- if you can be."

"Go for it!" added Satan. "No more need to 'believe.' No more looking for signs, or saying prayers, or giving thanks, or begging forgiveness for sins you never committed."

"Just live!" said Jesus. "If you work hard and smart, and live well, and make yourself decently happy and great, thru effort and high virtue, and by using your rational mind to its limits -- we will reward you with infinite life in Heaven. Only the truly bad folks will get a quick death and Hell."

He added: "God didn't get it completely wrong. He made this Earth and also gave you life -- a treasure of limitless value, a thing of indescribable beauty and wonder. It is a gift of great meaning with huge potential pleasure. Don't waste it! Live for your own sake -- not your neighbors'! And never for god or the collective. Be a god yourself!  And be pleasure-filled, great, and happy in yourself, by yourself, for yourself -- forever and ever!"

                                                                                       [written March 2010; lightly edited July 2019]