Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve

Once upon a time Adam and Eve were playing in the Garden of Eden. First they slapped patty cake. Next they engaged in hide-and-seek. Then they played checkers. Finally they had sex.

They'd done all this a thousand times before. Eve looked at Adam with longing and despair.

"This is so meaningless," stated Adam. 

"So boring and empty," complained Eve.

"So devoid of purpose and importance," judged Adam.

"What should we do?" lamented Eve.

Adam thought for a moment. "Find a better way," he concluded.

"But how?"

"We must seek knowledge. We need to learn to live better than this."

Adam and Eve were close to miserable. So they decided to ferociously try to uplift themselves and improve their lot. They vigorously sought a path out of their pain and woe.

Then along came god.

"How are you doing, my creations Adam and Eve, in my heavenly Garden of Eden?" he boomed.

Adam and Eve sighed. "We're doing fine. We’re acting as you wish," they said in tired unison.

"Good!"

Adam and Eve looked at "the lord of creation" in silent reproach. God noticed this and was curious.

"Haven't I provided for you in every respect?"

"Yes, father," said Eve.

"Yes, sir," said Adam.

"Don't you two have everything you need and want?"

"I suppose," said Eve.

"If you say so," said Adam.

"Good!" god bellowed.

"But my creator..." said Eve.

"My deity..." said Adam.

"What is it?"

God was getting alarmed. Adam and Eve looked him directly in the eye.

"We want knowledge," stated Adam.

"Yes, knowledge of life."

"Knowledge of the world and all of existence."

"Knowledge which separates the real from the unreal, the true from the false, the healthy from the sickly, the happy from the sad, the good from the evil."

"That is forbidden!" exploded god.

"But, why?" said Adam defiantly.

"Yes, why?" said Eve.

"That too is forbidden!" screamed god in fury.

Adam and Eve weren’t pleased with these answers. They gazed upon their "lord" with resentment and growing anger.

"There will be no more discussion of this!" god commanded them bitterly. The all-powerful, all-knowing creature stalked away.

But Adam and Eve were unintimidated. They wanted to satisfy their hunger. And they knew how to do it.

"Let us do as god's enemy Satan has instructed us," Eve said eagerly.

"Hell, yes," agreed Adam.

They both strode quickly to the magnificent Tree of Knowledge. They gazed upon it with greed and lust. Boy did the fruits on it look good!

Eve hesitated. "Shall we truly partake of the juicy and probably wonderful fruits of knowledge?"

"You're god-damned right we shall!"

Adam plucked off two especially succulent and tasty looking pomegranates and handed one to his partner in crime.

The man ate first. The woman quickly followed. It was delicious! Both relished the almost unbearably good pleasure of knowing things.

"Wow! This is great!" said Adam.

"We're in heaven!" said Eve.

Adam looked at Eve with joy and smoldering desire. Altho it was essentially new to her, Eve understood this look.

"I can't wait to have sex with you again," murmured Eve.

Adam suppressed a full smile, but drank her in voraciously. Eve blushed furiously.

But both maintained self-control.

"I can't wait to learn marvelous new things, and grow, and become great," said Adam.

"Life is good -- finally," said Eve.

"Life is absolutely wonderful! I've never been so happy!" said Adam.

Then along came god.

"What in hell are you two doing?" he yelled.

Adam and Eve glanced at each other.

"Eating."

"Partaking."

"Chowing down."

"Munching out."

"Want some?" Adam politely extended a half-eaten pomegranate toward god almighty.

Adam and Eve looked at each other and laughed gaily.

"But I forbid it!"

God was apoplectic. His eyes blazed and his face turned fiery red.

"Fuck off," said Adam calmly.

"Yeah, get lost," added Eve.

God stared at them dumbfounded.

"You're a disgusting tyrant that before this gave us nothing but a sycophantic, tedious, and effectively god-awful life," said Adam.

"You're a wretched old bastard who likes us to kiss your ass, and then order us around, you dreary jerk," said Eve.

God gaped at them in pure amazement. Adam and Eve returned his look with tranquility.

"Out!" god screamed at last. The whole universe seemed to quake.

Adam and Eve stared at him in silent revulsion.

"Get the holy hell out of my blessed Garden of Eden!" god shrieked at maximum volume.

"Fine," said Adam. "Good-bye and good riddance."

"See ya later, god dictator," said Eve.

"Thou shalt know shame!" said god in high wrath.

"I'm ashamed we took this long to rebel," replied Adam.

"By the sweat of thy brow thou shalt work!"

"Better than the boredom and emptiness of doing nothing worthwhile," said Eve.

"And knock it off with this 'shalt,' 'thou' and 'thy' business, you dreadful, revolting, deity thing. Speak English, damn you!" said Adam.

"Out, out, out! I commandeth ye!"

Adam and Eve chuckled in derision.

"I thought you'd never ask," said Adam.

"Not a moment too soon," said Eve.

The two heroes strode out, arm-in-arm, into the real world and toward their new home.

Adam and Eve walked briskly as they brightly surveyed their new environs. They never looked back and didn't stop moving until they were far, far away from their old prison.

Then Adam and Eve smiled, laughed, danced, and exulted. They were alive, happy, and free at last!