A Better Christmas Carol

(no apologies to Charles Dickens, 1843)

“Christmas? Bah! Humbug!”

Scrooge didn’t much like Christmas. Too much self-renunciation for him. All his life Scrooge had given of himself freely. All his existence he had grudgingly sacrificed to god and the collective. This was supposed to give him “spiritual” joy or “superior” happiness. But it didn’t. Christmas was more of the same.

In fact, when it came to self-immolation, Christmas was in many respects worse. Scrooge had to give all his hundreds of employees a paid day off plus a decent bonus – and all for no reason. Bah, humbug, indeed!

Ebeneezer J. Scrooge was a tremendously rich man. He got that way thru hard work, high virtue, and true genius. His many businesses were exceptionally well-run and hence highly profitable. His customers simply loved him!

But Scrooge still wasn’t very happy. He hated the great ethos of his time: “Don’t be selfish or greedy – sacrifice yourself to The Other.” This almost universally-accepted moral code made no sense to him. It didn’t seem to benefit anyone, except maybe con-artists and low-lifes.

Indeed, self-sacrifice seemed to positively destroy his fellow man. Wasn’t everybody a “self”?

Still, almost everyone devotedly believed in this “altruism” stuff. Practically all of Scrooge’s right-wing conservative friends self-sacrificed to “god”. Or at least pretended to. Practically all of Scrooges’s left-wing progressive friends self-sacrificed to “the collective”. Or at least pretended to. Both groups believed in immolating The Self and slavishly serving The Other. And such thinkers certainly seemed to have a current-day monopoly on ethical theory.

Despite his great success, wealth, intelligence, virtue, and effort, Scrooge was relatively miserable. Life was strange for him. He couldn’t quite make it out. But that Christmas eve, after going to bed, he was visited in his dreams by the Ghost of Christmas Real.

“Ebby! Wake up, Ebby, old buddy!” the poltergeist said.

“Wha...?” said Scrooge. “What in the hell? Who are you? And my name is Ebeneezer, pal!”

“Ebby-boy! Chumley! You’re really screwing up! What’s wrong with you? Why are you so damned unhappy? Why is it you don’t even like Christmas – the best holiday of the year!”

“Why do you think? This jackass holiday is just more self-sacrifice to that phony Jebus fellow and the worthless masses. I hate both of them. Bah! Humbug!”

“Yes, but...Christmas isn’t all about self-sacrifice, Ebby. In fact, it doesn’t involve that at all! Who told you that?”

“Well, everybody.”

“They’re lying. Or at least badly misinformed. Christmas is about lyrical wonder, magical delight, and all manor of joyful activity. It’s about family, friends, shared pleasure, and gift-giving to those you value and love!” The Ghost of Christmas Real paused a moment to gather himself. “Christmas is about a jolly old elf – a fair-minded, benevolent, and virtuous Santa, busy judging who’s naughty and nice!”

“What does that mean?”

“Merit, man! Justice! Human excellence! Christmas is all about moral goodness and personal pleasure – not self-sacrifice and personal destruction.”

“That’s news to me!”

“Well, now you know, Ebeneezer Jack Scroogenheimer! Pay attention!”

“I am. Tell me more, please! Who knew ghosts could be so insightful and wise? Who knew ghosts even existed? Especially those who somehow embody a holiday ideal and mere abstract concept!”

“Don’t be a wise-ass.”

“Make me. Say, are you friends with the Holy Ghost – Jebus himself?”

“Now you’re being a real jerk.”

“Just making friendly conversation with my supernatural chum and educator!”

“Dick. The point is, you’ve got Christmas all wrong.”

“How so?”

“Christmas is a secular holiday, dedicated to light-hearted festivities, personal joy, and those you love. It doesn’t involve self-sacrifice as its base or essence.”

“Okay...”

“You should celebrate it. And all of life. Human existence is wonderful.”

“So no more of this morality-based self-sacrifice to god and the collective business?”

“Hell, no! Your self should never be sacrificed. Indeed, you’re supposed to be continually selfish and greedy. This is the only life that the cosmos is going to grant you, you know. Ethically speaking, you’re supposed to be selfish and greedy 100% of the time.”

“Explain that.”

“Every human life is sacred. A special gift. A pure treasure. Your existence is precious and valuable beyond belief. You should worship this life of yours to the hilt at every moment. You should selfishly exploit and greedily enjoy every tiny bit of it.”

“What about other people?”

“To hell with other people!”

“Well, now...”

“Okay. That was a bit harsh. Still, a great deal of life’s essence and joy is private and personal. Other people aren’t involved.

“But, yes, much of our lives are social too. Humans are naturally cooperative and sociable creatures. Often, the best happiness is shared. That’s a great deal of what Christmas is based upon.

“I think I understand...”

“So, please, no more of thios self-sacrifice to god and the collectiv e nonsense. They don’t really exist, you know. An ecen if they did, you couldn’t much impact or help them.

“The so-called god or collective are really big, abstract ideals and pseudo-entities that don’t actually understands or care about you. To them you’re fantastically small. But you know and care about yourself a lot. Or at least you should.”

“Got it.”

“Never self-sacrifice, Ebeneezy, old bean. That’s the ultimate sin. You need to selfishly and greedily care about ytour person and life and values 100%.

“Your hopes, drams, convictions, and ideals are all-important and truly sacred. So are all your lofty principles and goals. Go for them! Be 100% selfish and greedy about it. That’s true human nobility and idealism. That’s what life is all about!”

“You know, you’re pretty smart for a dubious supernatural entity and mere intellectual concept brought to life.”

“You’re being a smart-ass again.”

“Not at all! I’m grateful for you help. May I ask: Should I at least be liberal and loving to my family and friends as I celebrate myself, my life, and the Christmas holiday?”

“Generous and magnanimous, yes. Charitable and merciful, no. This last is just more self-sacrificial foolishness and self-destruction. More ‘selfishness and greed are wrong’ gibberish and depravity.

“You should try to share happiness and values with your high-quality family and friends – with those of mutual convictions and ideals. Life is beautiful when you swap value-for-value to mutual benefit and profit. Just like all your businesses.”

“I see. Thanks for all this philosophic explanation! You’re a real genius and savior, ghost-buddy.”

“That’s what they pay me for!”

“Who’s ‘they’? How do they ‘pay’ you?”

“Oh, my! Look at the time! Would love to stay and chat all night long, Scroogey-boy, but gotta run. Bye!”

Ebeneezer Scrooge looked on in amazement as the Ghost of Christmas Real disappeared. Then he fell asleep most pleasantly, with a pure heart. Unlike a certain fictional friend of his, Scrooge didn’t expect to have uneasy dreams, nor to wake up as a giant cockroach. And he didn’t!

The next day Scrooge had an especially fine Christmas dinner and celebration with all of his favorite family members and friends, including Bob Crachit and his loving wife. He treated them all well, but without offering self-sacrifice to deities, masses, or strangers.

Truth be told, Scrooge selfishly and greedily enjoyed himself and his valued companions more than he ever had before. The holiday dancing, singing, story-telling, and joke-telling was lively and raucous, with everybody enjoying themselves thoroughly. In fact, never was there a more merry Christmas!

That night, on his way home, Scrooge saw a pathetic-looking, sickly, poor boy. He shook his money-purse at him, letting all his solid gold coins jingle like sleigh-bells. The woebegone and desperate child gazed upon Scrooge with raw envy.

The Scrooge loftily told the boy that he could have have some if he would locate “some of the finest, juiciest, tastiest, plumpest gooses of young girls he could find” and bring them to him. The humble boy yelled “Yes, sir!” and was off like a shot.

Within the hour the resourceful young man found and brought three absolutely marvelous and bewitching damsels, and was most generously compensated. All three angels from heaven spent the night at Scrooge’s home and received a handsome reward for their efforts. None of the four wee involved in self-sacrifice to the others, but rather all were selfish and greedy to the max. The sensual delights of Scrooge, and the financial gains of the girls, were such that for all four it was the best Christmas ever!

Adam and Eve

Adam and Eve

Once upon a time Adam and Eve were playing in the Garden of Eden. First they slapped patty cake. Next they engaged in hide-and-seek. Then they played checkers. Finally they had sex.

They'd done all this a thousand times before. Eve looked at Adam with longing and despair.

"This is so meaningless," stated Adam. 

"So boring and empty," complained Eve.

"So devoid of purpose and importance," judged Adam.

"What should we do?" lamented Eve.

Adam thought for a moment. "Find a better way," he concluded.

"But how?"

"We must seek knowledge. We need to learn to live better than this."

Adam and Eve were close to miserable. So they decided to ferociously try to uplift themselves and improve their lot. They vigorously sought a path out of their pain and woe.

Then along came god.

"How are you doing, my creations Adam and Eve, in my heavenly Garden of Eden?" he boomed.

Adam and Eve sighed. "We're doing fine. We’re acting as you wish," they said in tired unison.

"Good!"

Adam and Eve looked at "the lord of creation" in silent reproach. God noticed this and was curious.

"Haven't I provided for you in every respect?"

"Yes, father," said Eve.

"Yes, sir," said Adam.

"Don't you two have everything you need and want?"

"I suppose," said Eve.

"If you say so," said Adam.

"Good!" god bellowed.

"But my creator..." said Eve.

"My deity..." said Adam.

"What is it?"

God was getting alarmed. Adam and Eve looked him directly in the eye.

"We want knowledge," stated Adam.

"Yes, knowledge of life."

"Knowledge of the world and all of existence."

"Knowledge which separates the real from the unreal, the true from the false, the healthy from the sickly, the happy from the sad, the good from the evil."

"That is forbidden!" exploded god.

"But, why?" said Adam defiantly.

"Yes, why?" said Eve.

"That too is forbidden!" screamed god in fury.

Adam and Eve weren’t pleased with these answers. They gazed upon their "lord" with resentment and growing anger.

"There will be no more discussion of this!" god commanded them bitterly. The all-powerful, all-knowing creature stalked away.

But Adam and Eve were unintimidated. They wanted to satisfy their hunger. And they knew how to do it.

"Let us do as god's enemy Satan has instructed us," Eve said eagerly.

"Hell, yes," agreed Adam.

They both strode quickly to the magnificent Tree of Knowledge. They gazed upon it with greed and lust. Boy did the fruits on it look good!

Eve hesitated. "Shall we truly partake of the juicy and probably wonderful fruits of knowledge?"

"You're god-damned right we shall!"

Adam plucked off two especially succulent and tasty looking pomegranates and handed one to his partner in crime.

The man ate first. The woman quickly followed. It was delicious! Both relished the almost unbearably good pleasure of knowing things.

"Wow! This is great!" said Adam.

"We're in heaven!" said Eve.

Adam looked at Eve with joy and smoldering desire. Altho it was essentially new to her, Eve understood this look.

"I can't wait to have sex with you again," murmured Eve.

Adam suppressed a full smile, but drank her in voraciously. Eve blushed furiously.

But both maintained self-control.

"I can't wait to learn marvelous new things, and grow, and become great," said Adam.

"Life is good -- finally," said Eve.

"Life is absolutely wonderful! I've never been so happy!" said Adam.

Then along came god.

"What in hell are you two doing?" he yelled.

Adam and Eve glanced at each other.

"Eating."

"Partaking."

"Chowing down."

"Munching out."

"Want some?" Adam politely extended a half-eaten pomegranate toward god almighty.

Adam and Eve looked at each other and laughed gaily.

"But I forbid it!"

God was apoplectic. His eyes blazed and his face turned fiery red.

"Fuck off," said Adam calmly.

"Yeah, get lost," added Eve.

God stared at them dumbfounded.

"You're a disgusting tyrant that before this gave us nothing but a sycophantic, tedious, and effectively god-awful life," said Adam.

"You're a wretched old bastard who likes us to kiss your ass, and then order us around, you dreary jerk," said Eve.

God gaped at them in pure amazement. Adam and Eve returned his look with tranquility.

"Out!" god screamed at last. The whole universe seemed to quake.

Adam and Eve stared at him in silent revulsion.

"Get the holy hell out of my blessed Garden of Eden!" god shrieked at maximum volume.

"Fine," said Adam. "Good-bye and good riddance."

"See ya later, god dictator," said Eve.

"Thou shalt know shame!" said god in high wrath.

"I'm ashamed we took this long to rebel," replied Adam.

"By the sweat of thy brow thou shalt work!"

"Better than the boredom and emptiness of doing nothing worthwhile," said Eve.

"And knock it off with this 'shalt,' 'thou' and 'thy' business, you dreadful, revolting, deity thing. Speak English, damn you!" said Adam.

"Out, out, out! I commandeth ye!"

Adam and Eve chuckled in derision.

"I thought you'd never ask," said Adam.

"Not a moment too soon," said Eve.

The two heroes strode out, arm-in-arm, into the real world and toward their new home.

Adam and Eve walked briskly as they brightly surveyed their new environs. They never looked back and didn't stop moving until they were far, far away from their old prison.

Then Adam and Eve smiled, laughed, danced, and exulted. They were alive, happy, and free at last!