(no
apologies to Charles Dickens, 1843)
“Christmas?
Bah! Humbug!”
Scrooge
didn’t much like Christmas. Too much self-renunciation for him. All
his life Scrooge had given of himself freely. All his existence he
had grudgingly sacrificed to god and the collective. This was
supposed to give him “spiritual” joy or “superior” happiness.
But it didn’t. Christmas was more of the same.
In
fact, when it came to self-immolation, Christmas was in many respects
worse. Scrooge had to give all his hundreds of employees a paid day
off plus a decent bonus – and all for no reason. Bah,
humbug, indeed!
Ebeneezer
J. Scrooge was a tremendously rich man. He got that way thru hard
work, high virtue, and true genius. His many businesses were
exceptionally well-run and hence highly profitable. His customers
simply loved him!
But
Scrooge still wasn’t very happy. He hated the great ethos of his
time: “Don’t be selfish or greedy – sacrifice yourself to The
Other.” This almost universally-accepted moral code made no sense
to him. It didn’t seem to benefit anyone, except maybe con-artists
and low-lifes.
Indeed,
self-sacrifice seemed to positively destroy his fellow man.
Wasn’t everybody a “self”?
Still, almost everyone
devotedly believed in this “altruism” stuff. Practically all of
Scrooge’s right-wing conservative friends self-sacrificed to “god”.
Or at least pretended to. Practically all of Scrooges’s left-wing
progressive friends self-sacrificed to “the collective”. Or at
least pretended to. Both groups believed in immolating The Self and
slavishly serving The Other. And such thinkers certainly seemed to
have a current-day monopoly on ethical theory.
Despite
his great success, wealth, intelligence, virtue, and effort, Scrooge
was relatively miserable. Life was strange for him. He couldn’t
quite make it out. But that Christmas eve, after going to bed, he was
visited in his dreams by the Ghost of Christmas Real.
“Ebby!
Wake up, Ebby, old buddy!” the poltergeist said.
“Wha...?”
said Scrooge. “What in the hell? Who are you? And my name is
Ebeneezer, pal!”
“Ebby-boy! Chumley! You’re really
screwing up! What’s wrong with you? Why are you so
damned unhappy? Why is it you don’t even like Christmas – the
best holiday of the year!”
“Why
do you think? This jackass holiday is just more self-sacrifice to
that phony Jebus fellow and the worthless masses. I hate both
of them. Bah! Humbug!”
“Yes,
but...Christmas isn’t all about self-sacrifice, Ebby. In fact, it
doesn’t involve that at all! Who told you that?”
“Well,
everybody.”
“They’re
lying. Or at least badly misinformed. Christmas is about lyrical
wonder, magical delight, and all manor of joyful activity. It’s
about family, friends, shared pleasure, and gift-giving to those you
value and love!” The Ghost of Christmas Real paused a moment to
gather himself. “Christmas is about a jolly old elf – a
fair-minded, benevolent, and virtuous Santa, busy judging who’s
naughty and nice!”
“What
does that mean?”
“Merit, man! Justice! Human
excellence! Christmas is all about moral goodness and personal
pleasure – not self-sacrifice and personal destruction.”
“That’s
news to me!”
“Well,
now you know, Ebeneezer Jack Scroogenheimer! Pay attention!”
“I
am. Tell me more, please! Who knew ghosts could be so insightful and
wise? Who knew ghosts even existed? Especially those who somehow
embody a holiday ideal and mere abstract concept!”
“Don’t
be a wise-ass.”
“Make
me. Say, are you friends with the Holy Ghost – Jebus himself?”
“Now
you’re being a real jerk.”
“Just
making friendly conversation with my supernatural chum and educator!”
“Dick.
The point is, you’ve got Christmas all wrong.”
“How
so?”
“Christmas
is a secular holiday, dedicated to light-hearted festivities,
personal joy, and those you love. It doesn’t involve self-sacrifice
as its base or essence.”
“Okay...”
“You
should celebrate it. And all of life. Human existence is wonderful.”
“So
no more of this morality-based self-sacrifice to god and the
collective business?”
“Hell,
no! Your self should never be sacrificed. Indeed, you’re
supposed to be continually selfish and greedy. This is
the only life that the cosmos is going to grant you, you know.
Ethically speaking, you’re supposed to be selfish and greedy 100%
of the time.”
“Explain
that.”
“Every
human life is sacred. A special gift. A pure treasure. Your existence
is precious and valuable beyond belief. You should worship this life
of yours to the hilt at every moment. You should selfishly exploit
and greedily enjoy every tiny bit of it.”
“What
about other people?”
“To
hell with other people!”
“Well,
now...”
“Okay.
That was a bit harsh. Still, a great deal of life’s essence and joy
is private and personal. Other people aren’t involved.
“But,
yes, much of our lives are social too. Humans are naturally
cooperative and sociable creatures. Often, the best happiness is
shared. That’s a great deal of what Christmas is based upon.
“I
think I understand...”
“So,
please, no more of thios self-sacrifice to god and the collectiv e
nonsense. They don’t really exist, you know. An ecen if they did,
you couldn’t much impact or help them.
“The so-called
god or collective are really big, abstract ideals and pseudo-entities
that don’t actually understands or care about you. To them you’re
fantastically small. But you know and care about yourself a lot.
Or at least you should.”
“Got
it.”
“Never
self-sacrifice, Ebeneezy, old bean. That’s the ultimate sin. You
need to selfishly and greedily care about ytour person and life and
values 100%.
“Your
hopes, drams, convictions, and ideals are all-important and truly
sacred. So are all your lofty principles and goals. Go for
them! Be 100% selfish and greedy about it. That’s true human
nobility and idealism. That’s what life is all about!”
“You
know, you’re pretty smart for a dubious supernatural entity and
mere intellectual concept brought to life.”
“You’re
being a smart-ass again.”
“Not
at all! I’m grateful for you help. May I ask: Should I at least be
liberal and loving to my family and friends as I celebrate myself, my
life, and the Christmas holiday?”
“Generous
and magnanimous, yes. Charitable and merciful, no. This last is just
more self-sacrificial foolishness and self-destruction. More
‘selfishness and greed are wrong’ gibberish and depravity.
“You
should try to share happiness and values with your high-quality
family and friends – with those of mutual convictions and ideals.
Life is beautiful when you swap value-for-value to mutual benefit and
profit. Just like all your businesses.”
“I
see. Thanks for all this philosophic explanation! You’re a real
genius and savior, ghost-buddy.”
“That’s
what they pay me for!”
“Who’s
‘they’? How do they ‘pay’ you?”
“Oh,
my! Look at the time! Would love to stay and chat all night long,
Scroogey-boy, but gotta run. Bye!”
Ebeneezer
Scrooge looked on in amazement as the Ghost of Christmas Real
disappeared. Then he fell asleep most pleasantly, with a pure heart.
Unlike a certain fictional friend of his, Scrooge didn’t expect to
have uneasy dreams, nor to wake up as a giant cockroach. And he
didn’t!
The
next day Scrooge had an especially fine Christmas dinner and
celebration with all of his favorite family members and friends,
including Bob Crachit and his loving wife. He treated them all well,
but without offering self-sacrifice to deities, masses, or strangers.
Truth
be told, Scrooge selfishly and greedily enjoyed himself and his
valued companions more than he ever had before. The holiday dancing,
singing, story-telling, and joke-telling was lively and raucous, with
everybody enjoying themselves thoroughly. In fact, never was there a
more merry Christmas!
That
night, on his way home, Scrooge saw a pathetic-looking, sickly, poor
boy. He shook his money-purse at him, letting all his solid gold
coins jingle like sleigh-bells. The woebegone and desperate child
gazed upon Scrooge with raw envy.
The
Scrooge loftily told the boy that he could have have some if he would
locate “some of the finest, juiciest, tastiest, plumpest gooses of
young girls he could find” and bring them to him. The humble boy
yelled “Yes, sir!” and was off like a shot.
Within
the hour the resourceful young man found and brought three absolutely
marvelous and bewitching damsels, and was most generously
compensated. All three angels from heaven spent the night at
Scrooge’s home and received a handsome reward for their efforts.
None of the four wee involved in self-sacrifice to the others, but
rather all were selfish and greedy to the max. The sensual delights
of Scrooge, and the financial gains of the girls, were such that for
all four it was the best Christmas ever!
